Send me your fav joke. Maybe it will get posted here. Marcus
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.
The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me .. I'm collecting disability."
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a “recreational area”, so close to a waste treatment facility.
The President has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective in January 2012.This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being rewritten as we speak (expect 2000 pages). Here are a few of the changes:
Golfers with handicaps:
Below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.
Between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.
Above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.
The term "gimme" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:
Handicaps below 10, no entitlements.
Handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.
Handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.
These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.
In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.
This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18 handicap players will post only 'net score' against every other player's gross score. These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility. This is the "Right thing to do."
I somehow managed to get the remote last night. I was switching between a hunting show and a porn movie.
Sharon said, "leave the porn movie on, you already know how to hunt".
I was talking to a good friend on the phone the phone the other day and in mis sentence I forgot what i wanted to tell him. I say, OH CRAP, I forgot what I wanted tell you. He say to me, you have CRS. I say, WTF is CRS? He say, "can't remember shit".
An USAF pilot crashed his F16 and was badly injured. He wakes up in the hospital to see a beautiful nurse standing beside him. She says to him, "you won't be able to feel anything below the waste". He says, "well, can I feel your tits then"?
More "STUFF" to follow...